George Parros’s Nightly Hypotheticals

George Parros is one of the more interesting players in the NHL. Known more for his ability to chuck knuckles than his skating or shooting, Parros also boasts one of the best moustaches in all of sports.

In addition to that, he is a well-educated and well-spoken athlete. He’s quite funny, and that hasn’t been more apparent than with his Nightly Hypotheticals on Twitter. Don’t worry if you have missed out – I’ve saved my favorites.

For example, here is his most recent one:

Regardless of the conditions in that port-a-potty, a face tattoo doesn’t go away. Ever. A week long shower and some counselling would take care of the Butterbean weekend.

A tough call (pun intended). I can’t imagine every single thought being shared with total strangers – perhaps a hat with a giant brim could be worn? There is no chance I’d have my health tied to my wonky Blackberry, though. Give me the scrolling forehead, please.

I’d go for pre-chewed food, for sure. I imagine that the song would be played on loop forever – enough to drive any sane person crazy. Although, am I the one doing the pre-chewing? If it is Butterbean, than this is a tougher decision to make.

I’d go with the ghosts, for sure. At the very least, you could make a buck or two as the intermediary between dead animals and their former owners. Although does this include all animals? If I had to see spider ghosts (a great idea for a movie, by the way), I may just unplug by Blackberry life charger for good.

I’d dump smell and hearing. As long as I can see and feel things, I think I would be OK. And how the heck would you breathe? Carry around a giant bowl of water at all times? Sleeping would be very awkward, too.

I’d go with the backward walking. I think you could dress in reverse and trick more than a few people. Having incurable halitosis (bad breath) would be brutal in any and all social situations. And imagine how good you would get at the moon walk? I guess it would just be called “walking” in that case.

Cockroach, definitely. Fast food chicken (the ones that are actually chicken and not some toxic waste creation) are pumped full of steroids (nice) and are unable to move because of it (not nice). Cockroaches are boring, but they are extremely adaptable to their surroundings.

Finally a good one. I’d go with breathing under water. You could win a lot of money challenging people to bets. And with that money, you could hire the best language instructors on earth to teach you everything. Boom – win/win.

Back to the scary stuff. I could live without a cell phone (so long as I can use Twitter and Facebook to communicate). Skydiving is a scary enough proposition with a human who is trying to keep you alive – imagine a bear doing the exact opposite? If I can get David Booth to skydive beside me with a rifle, perhaps this could be doable.

A bizarre question, even compared to the rest of them. I think burping colors would be pretty cool, and a lot easier to explain than having pieces of confetti falling out of your shorts or pants from time to time.

Kardashian marathon, for sure. The human body is not made to run 42.2 kilometers consecutively. I don’t think we are made to watch the Kardashians either, but a headache is much more manageable than dealing with running-related injuries.

My favorite question of his, and the one that I spent the most time on. A deer leg would be cool in that you would be much faster, but would you only be able to go in circles? Having a human leg alongside the deer leg would create quite an imbalance.

A spatula for a hand would lend itself well to a few things – cooking, slapping people, picking things up, and… well, I guess that is it. Again, it would be easier to explain and cover up than a deer leg. I’m sure some sort of spatula glove could be developed, too. And imagine how could you would be at ping pong?

Sweaty gym clothes. At least you could work out and just blame that for your sweat and/or stench. People would just get pissed off if you always spoke pig Latin.

The lockout sucks, but at least we have humorous athletes like Parros to keep us entertained.

How would you decide among the above questions?